Ted and the Dead Kennedys

Not all the news coming out of the inaugural coverage was positive. Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy was rushed to the hospital after collapsing during a luncheon held at the Capitol Building. At first, it seemed to be an attempt to wrest the spotlight away from the new president, but then it became evident that old Ted had simply had another close encounter with death. After all, it runs in his family.

Despite the fact that the Kennedy family first gained wealth and fame by becoming bootleggers during the prohibition era, they have since become very well liked and respected. Ted Kennedy is the exception, the obligatory black sheep. Nobody wants to wear the sweaters made from his itchy fleece.

Living in the shadows of his older brothers, John and Robert, Ted has grown a complex based on the illusion that he is not loved enough to be assassinated and thus create elaborate government conspiracy theories. Even his initials, EMK, sound less sophisticated than JFK or RFK, and rather more like a venereal disease.

In 1951, Ted was suspended from Harvard for cheating on a Spanish exam. In 1955, he turned down an offer to play for the Green Bay Packers, choosing instead to enter law school. His most infamous bungle came in 1969 when his poor driving in Chappaquiddick Island, Massachusetts lead to the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.

He’s suffered through a divorce, alcoholism, brain cancer, and a multitude of other medical maladies. Despite all of that, he has survived most of his family. Both his brothers, both his parents, his older sister, his sister-in-law, and his nephew have all died during Ted’s lifetime.

So prominent are these deaths that a well-known American punk band is named the Dead Kennedys. At this point, what Ted Kennedy needs is some well-deserved rest. How about a Holiday in Cambodia?