Don't Make Him Madden

Boom.

A large presence will be leaving NFL press boxes anywhere. One thing is for certain, things will be much quieter from now on.

Legendary football player, coach, and announcer John Madden has retired after thirty years in the business. Given Madden's 73 years of age, it is unlikely that he will imitate his hero Brett Farve and return from this retirement, especially not to play again.

He will most likely be replaced in the booth by comedian and Madden-impersonator Frank Caliendo.

Madden is known for his excessive use and subsequent popularization of onomatopoeia, the telestrator, and turducken. His annual video-game series is the word in football video-games. It's cover-athlete curse rivals that of Sports Illustrated in terms of legitimacy.

No question that he will be remembered, the only question is how: As a player for Cal Poly? As a coach of the Oakland Raiders? Or for his weekly stand-up routine held on Sunday nights? Here's a few quotes that might suggest the latter. They were all spoken by John Madden.

“The goal of football is to score more points than your opponent.”

“Here’s a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.”

“The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break.”

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they’re bigger than everybody else, and that’s what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”

“From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back.”

It sounds like he and George Bush have a great deal in common, in addition to their current unemployment.

With that in mind, I predict that Madden goes on to run for public office. Think Senator John Madden, R-Calif. His only hindrance will be his phobia of flying. Instead he will travel across the country on the team bus.

Stranger things have happened. Look at the current governor of California. I rest my case.